Of Dog Balls and Nutella
by FicFloveR
Summary: *TIED 2nd PLACE!* ENTRY FOR DIE DADDY C DIE CONTEST.  Edward finally has a friend to keep him company.  Apparently, so does Carlisle. Rated M for liberal use of Nutella.


**Penname**: aroemmich

**Title**: Of Dog Balls and Nutella

**Summary**: Edward finally has a friend to keep him company. Apparently, so does Carlisle.

**Disclaimer**: Characters aren't mine, but the dog once was!

**Contest**: Die, Daddy C, Die!

**A/N: I know you're all thinking, shouldn't she move on to something else? Yes I should, but I won't. I'm having too much fun.**

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><p>I fucking hated Stefan. That piece of shit asshole was number one at the top of my list of people I'd most like to fuck up once my legs worked again. The only thing that I was grateful to him for was the fact that he talked my dad in to letting me have a dog.<p>

Stefan and my dad thought it would be a good idea to make me take care of a dog, knowing I wouldn't let it starve, and I'd have to get around the house more. Of course they didn't make it easy, putting the food up on high shelves and making me walk it on a leash. At least dad did put two wooden planks near the front steps. I had to put them out, and back up, each time I used them.

I don't even know what kind of dog it is. Some kind of mutt, small thing, but cute. It has brown eyes, and so I named it Rumple. It was as close as I was ever gonna get to her again anyway. I wouldn't let my dad ruin her life, too.

I felt bad for the dog, though. My dad wasn't happy with the idea until one day Stefan showed up, ringing the doorbell. As soon as the noise started, Rumple started biting himself... in the balls.

Yeah, I knew Rumple was a boy, but dad didn't know the meaning behind the name, just thought it was some mean way of saying the dog looked like shit. Well, anyway, the second that my dad saw what happened every time someone rang the doorbell, he decided Rumple was a keeper.

Rumple had issues, and I wished he would stop doing that. I wanted to laugh, but sometimes he would yelp because he was hurting himself. Or maybe it just felt that good. I didn't know. For some reason he just wouldn't stop, and dad played on that. There were even times that we were home alone and he would make me wheel myself out front to press the bell, just so he could get a good laugh.

At this rate Rumple wouldn't have to go see the vet to get neutered. He was going to castrate himself if he wasn't careful.

Today had been no different. Stefan came over, ringing the bell, giving my dad a good laugh. Rumple sat in the corner and watched as I did my exercises. When I started slacking and Stefan pulled out the adrenaline shot, Rumple started growling and barking. I loved that dog for speaking up when I couldn't. Not like it mattered, but it was the thought that counted.

Later, when we finished, I scooped Rumple up in my lap and headed for the guest room. My heart was still pounding from the extra adrenaline and I needed some time alone to come down off the uncomfortable high. I put Rumple at the foot of the bed, then climbed in and tried to relax.

I could hear my dad and Stefan in the living room, talking, when I realized that the voices were getting closer. Shit, I hope they weren't coming in here to bother me again.

Rumple stood up and started growling at the door, but calmed down when the voices passed and their footsteps sounded out going up the steps.

What were they going up there for?

Rumple walked up to my chest and laid there, rising and falling with each breath I took. I had to laugh at him, so ugly, but so damn cute.

I saw Rumple cock his head like he was listening to something, and then I heard it. I could hear bass from music coming from roughly the same area of the house that my father's room was in. What the hell was he doing listening to music? And is that... no... it can't be... yep, Lady Gaga.

Why would he do that? Is he trying to torture me?

I picked Rumple up and placed him on the pillow next to me, trying to muffle the sounds of that crazy ass woman singing about glory.

I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing, trying to regulate it and keep my heart rate in check.

I don't know how long I had been laying there, but suddenly Rumple jumped up again, growling towards the door. I heard footsteps coming down the stairs quickly, like someone was running. Whoever it was they ran right past my door, and I heard the front door slam, followed by the sound of a car flying out of the driveway.

What in the hell?

Rumple jumped down off the bed and started scratching at the door. It was probably time for him to go outside anyway. I hefted myself back in to my chair and grabbed his leash, placing it on my lap. I let him out in to the hallway, expecting him to run for the front door. Instead he ran to the stairs, perching his two front paws on the bottom step, and began barking.

The music was still going. It seemed much louder out here, like maybe a door had been opened upstairs. I called out for my dad, praying that he would turn it down, but got no response.

I wheeled over to the front door and saw that Stefan was gone, so that meant my dad should have come down to yell at me for something or other by now. Huh.

I rolled back to the steps and picked Rumple up, trying to get him to stop barking. Suddenly it dawned on me that I'd been offered a reprieve, and I shouldn't waste it.

Dad hadn't allowed me any visitors since I'd been home, and now was the perfect chance to see someone that I'd kind of been missing.

I trekked back to the kitchen and picked up the phone. I didn't want to get Rumple, well, the human Rumple, in trouble, but I was desperate. I dialed the numbers and waited for someone to pick up.

"Charlie! Hey, this is Edward."

"Hey, son, how's it going?"

"It could be better, but that's not why I called. I need you to do me a favor, I'm kind of having an emergency."

"Okaaaay. Shoot."

"Well, my dad's been blaring Lady Gaga for almost an hour, and I'd like to file a complaint, maybe you could come tell him to keep it down?"

I was hoping that Charlie would hear the hope in my voice. I knew I couldn't get Rumple, her not him, here without causing trouble, but now I had a legit reason for Charlie to show up.

"Well, non-stop Lady Gaga, that does sound kind of urgent. I'll be there in ten."

I hung up, too excited to worry about saying an official goodbye.

Sure enough, then minutes later Charlie's cruiser pulled in the drive. I put Rumple down and tried to get to the door before Charlie could ring the bell. I almost made it.

Just as I opened the door, Charlie's finger hit the button. I turned to Rumple and Charlie's eyes followed. We both watched in morbid fascination as the dog chewed himself silly. It's amazing the dog has any testicles left.

When he was finished I heard Charlie clear his throat and I watched as he tried to hide the smile behind his hand.

"Hey, Charlie."

"Hey, Edward. So, still can't get him to turn that racket off, huh?"

I backed up making room for him to come in, "Nah, I don't think he can hear me over the music."

"Alright then, I'll just go up and see what we can do about that."

I was really hoping that Charlie would stay and talk for a few minutes, but he had other plans. I watched as he went up the stairs looking for my dad. Suddenly Rumple decided he wanted to follow, so he took off, hot on Charlie's heels the whole way.

A minute later I heard the music turn off, but I never heard Charlie or my dad.

Another ten minutes went by and Charlie came down the steps, Rumple following. Oddly enough the dog looked... smug?

"Hey, uh, Edward, I called Bella and she's gonna be here in a minute. You're dad needs you to go to my house for a bit while we get some stuff straightened out."

I thought about questioning him, but if my dad wasn't right there to tell me I couldn't go, I wasn't gonna say no. I was gonna get to see Rumple, her, not him.

I went out on the porch, taking Rumple with me to wait for, well, Rumple. This was confusing. I put the wooden planks down, and just finished when I heard her truck coming down the drive.

I rolled down to meet her, trying to make sure my dad wasn't gonna fly out of the house in a fit of rage and harass her. I tossed her my keys, and without a word we went to my Volvo. Bella helped me in the car, placing my chair in the back. She got in the driver side and turned the ignition just as Rumple jumped in my lap, and I shut my door.

What? Of course I was taking my dog.

Rumple didn't notice Rumple was even there. Shit, I'm gonna have to change the dogs name. Unfortunately when the car started one of the indicators beeped, and it apparently also bothered the dog.

"Shit, Rumple, stop eating your balls!"

Bella swung her head to look at me like I had gone crazy, so I pointed at the dog in my lap.

"Oh, you named your dog after me?"

All I could do was grin and nod. Bella cocked her head to the side for a minute, thinking, and looking at the dog.

"Why? Because we both like to lick balls?"

I started to laugh, but choked on it. She was serious.

"Um, no, it's because you both have brown eyes."

Bella's face turned red, and she didn't say anything else, just put the car in gear and pulled out.

Neither of us said a word on the way to her house. Partly because she was embarrassed by her admission, but mostly because all I could think about was my balls in Rumples mouth. Hers, not his.

When we finally arrived at her house things kind of went back to normal. RumpleOne cooked while RumpleTwo and I watched. Okay, so I couldn't change his name.

We talked and laughed. We kissed and hugged. It was perfect, and I wished that I didn't have to leave.

Later we were in the living room watching some made for TV movie, when Charlie's cruiser pulled up in the driveway.

He came in and walked straight over to the TV without a word, turning on the DVD player and putting a disc in.

Bella tried to ask him what he was doing, but he didn't answer, just handed me a piece of paper. A letter.

I read the words as I heard voices on the TV. It was my dad and Stefan, only, according to the letter, not my dad.

The shock of finding out Carlisle wasn't my father wasn't as much as one would have thought. It explained so fucking much about the last few years.

I focused on the TV seeing a woman, in black patent leather lingerie and heels, and an oiled up man.

Fuck. That was Stefan, and the woman was no woman, it was Carlisle.

All three of us watched as Carlisle opened his closet to reveal shelves and shelves of what looked to be Nutella. He selected a jar and turned, smearing it all over Stefan's body.

Well, this also explained a lot about the last few years. Carlisle was lashing out because he was hiding his homosexuality and kinky sexual fetishes.

Carlisle licked Stefan clean from head to toe, as Lady Gaga played in the background. I hid my eyes, and peeked through my fingers, unable to hide my curiosity. It was gross, and my dick was trying to crawl back inside my body, but I couldn't look away.

Eventually Carlisle stood on the antique hope chest at the foot of his bed, looping a rope around his neck and over the top rail of his canopy bed. I'd heard about erotic asphyxiation, but I'd never seen it before. It didn't look like fun.

Stefan jerked Carlisle off while Carlisle rubbed Nutella all over himself. Carlisle was leaning forward more and more, restricting his oxygen supply. He was rasping out the words of the song.

"I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on this moment with you. I'm on the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge. I'm on the edge, of glory, and I'm coming right this moment on you!"

Carlisle let his legs go limp as he ejaculated on to Stefan's hand.

I threw up in my mouth.

I watched as Stefan let my father down out of the noose, and started panicking when Carlisle didn't regain consciousness. Stefan grabbed his clothes and ran from the room. The tape went on for several minutes until the doorbell sounded faintly on the tape, causing Rumple to go straight for the balls again. Him, not her. Then Charlie showed up, stopping the tape once he realized it was going.

Shit. Fuck. What...?

Charlie cleared his throat and refused to look at me. "Coroner thinks that he died from a heart attack, so that's what people will hear."

He walked over and patted me on the back before walking out of the room.

I knew I should be thinking things like, where will I stay, what will I do, who is my real father? But I couldn't think any of that.

I turned my head to look at a shocked Bella and said the only thing my mind could come up with.

"Huh, Nutella. No wonder my mom always hated that shit."


End file.
